A Few FYIs For Men

As of late, I have taken to making lists as a method of venting. I have found this to be not only therapeutic, but also quite entertaining. Here's the latest:

A Few FYIs For Men

1) Men should not drive compact cars. Civics, Corollas, Tercels, and Beetles are girl cars. Unless it is tricked out and looks like something from a Fast & Furious movie, you will look like a big sissy.

2) Do not ask for my phone number if you have no intention of calling. You probably think that you are being polite, but reciting my number to you causes unnecessary strain on my vocal cords if you do not plan on actually using said number.

3) Do not brag about your sexual expertise and/or penis size. Usually, great expectations lead to great disappointment.

4) Do not drink to the point that you lose control of your basic motor functions. No one wants to babysit a drunk. Besides, if you're wasted, who the hell is going to carry me after that half bottle of Smirnoff Razz kicks in?

5) If you have some sort of below-the-belt abnormality, please let me know ahead of time. I do not want to be surprised by the fact that you have one testicle or that your penis is shaped like a horseshoe.

6) Do not fart in my presence. Unless we have exchanged vows, there is no reason I should have to put up with your gas. Your boys may think it's entertaining, I however, do not.

7) Do not wear tapered jeans. This one really is a no-brainer.

8) Do not boast about your salary, expensive car, multiple homes, or stock portfolio. Doing this means that you have a small penis.

9) Experimentation in the bedroom is fine, within reason. Anything involving family members, excrement, and/or animals is a no no.

10) Do not attempt to have sex with my friends. Again, no-brainer.

11) I understand that men like porn, in fact I enjoy it occasionally as well. However, I am not your personal porn star. Please do not spit on my during sex or smack my private parts. And NEVER EVER jizz in my face. It's not sexy, nor is it cute! I do not care if it's as you claim, "good for your skin." I have Oil of Olay for that, so please keep your bodily fluids away from my grill. Thanks!

12) Do not expect oral favors without having impeccable hygiene. Candles and air fresheners do not come in the scent "sweaty balls" for a reason.

13) Impotence is not just your problem, it's mine also. I do not appreciate getting all fired up just to have you go limp before the main event. It wastes my time and yours. Plus, it leads to an increase in my phone bill when I have to call all of my girlfriends and tel them about your issue. The little blue pill is your friend, guys.

AHH...venting done.

XOXO BN
bitchy_nikki03@yahoo.com